50 Ways to Make Gaara Want to Kill Me
by Baby Cougar
Summary: 50 semi-related oneshot about making Gaara do things that he would never ever do...and he will hate every minute of it...though he may be a bit deranged by the end of this series.
1. What's Up, Doc?

**Alright people. I came up with this idea that Gaara's gonna kill me. And, there will be fifty semi-related oneshots here. The goal is to make Gaara do something that will make him want to kill you. Oh, and he has to do it. Use your imagination to figure out what the hell we did to force Gaara to do theses things. This story is being co-written between me and MusicAgainstTheHeart. She is a Gaara lover. Love her stories. Anyway, Each chapter will alternate Authors. Alright, now, I'm sure you understand how all this works. Good. And We don't own Naruto, or any other recognizable figure that may appear in this fic. The show will go on!**

**This chapter written by Baby Cougar.**

Gaara glared at me. I had taken his sand gourd, so he couldn't use his sand. We were back stage. I shoved the blue fuzzy material at him.

"C'mon, Gaara. I'll give you your gourd back _and_ bake you chocolate chip cookies after this."

"Hn." He glared again, his icy sea-green glare sending chills down my spine. He ripped the material from my hands and put it on, zipping up the long zipper and grabbing the carrot prop from the prop table. I made him sit down.

"Alright, now sit still. This won't last long. I'll even let you kill Kankouro for lending this too me."

At the mention of the word "kill" he perked up.

"Alright. Just get it over with."

I pulled out the makeup. Whipping out the eyeliner, I screwed the top to get some out. I drew three long whiskers on either side of his face. Satisfied, I grabbed the box of costume makeup. Selecting a bright pink crayon, I colored his nose in.

"Alright sport, I'm done." I grinned and held up a mirror. He paled when he looked at his reflection. He brought his hands up to feel the long things that were sticking out of his head.

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Remember the cookies, Gaara."

"Hn."

He got up and walked over to the edge of the stage, just out of the eyes of the audience. I watched him, then realized something was missing.

"Stop!"

He did and looked at me. "What now?"

I grabbed a large wad of cotton, pouring glue on one side. I ran up behind him and slapped it on his butt, the action throwing him out onto the middle of the stage. The silence was deafening. Gaara looked at his behind at the fuzzy ball of cotton. His face flushed. Is that a blush I see? More silence as the audience stared in shock. I heard a cricket somewhere behind me.

"Dammit Shino!"

"Sorry."

Then Garra spoke. "Laugh…..and you will die." He said this to the audience, but he was looking me straight in the eyes. I shivered.

Gaara lifted the carrot to his mouth and took a bite, munching loudly. He cocked his head to the side, making the rabbit ears twitch, and loudly said, "What's up, doc?"

**Alright, kill me now. I had to. Originally the bunny suit was pink….but I thought I would spare Gaara **_**some**_** dignity. Next up is MusicAgainstTheHeart's chapter.**


	2. Skydiving

**Written By MusicAgainstTheHeart**

Gaara sat on the couch, his feet resting on the oak coffee table that had recently been dusted by a can of 'pledge' and a dust rag. He sighed, content, for he had just finished cleaning the living room. Now, you may wonder, why the hell would _Gaara _be cleaning? It's all quite simple, really. See, _anyone _would do just about _anything _if they were threatened the exposure of ones beanie baby collection to ones whole village would one not? Of course one would, especially if you're a certain red haired, insomniac, is turned on by the sight of blood, stalked by fangirls and has an IQ of 140 (on estimate) teen then, yes, one would do just about anything to keep ones reputation from crashing, burning, and then dying beyond all recognition. So when Temari told Gaara to clean the living room, he did just that… and then some.

"COME ON, GAARA!!! WE'RE GOING SKYDIVING!!!"

His eyes shot open in a heartbeat and glared at me, as I had just offended him in several ways:

1. I was in his 'personal bubble' as he liked to call it, which extends in a four foot radius in all directions

2. I had interrupted his 'Me' time

3. I had suggested to do something that he had never heard of nor was he aware we were planning on doing it (he hates not being informed)

Before he could say, "_Say that again, I don't think you weren't loud enough for me to understand._" I shouted "WE'RE GOING SKYDIVING!!!"

He gave me a '_what the hell did you say to me, minion_?!' look.

"Sk-I-Div-Ing" I sounded out. "Ya know, jumping out of planes, falling a couple thousand feet, then slowly drifting back to earth?"

He blinked. I blinked. He blinked again, "Your insane."

I smiled, "So I'm told. Now C'mon! Or we'll miss the demonstration!"

"No."

"Yes, now come on!" I said, "You need to 'get out' more."

"And we're doing that by risking death?"

"Yes. I mean, NO! Now come on!" His expression told me he wasn't about to go any where, any time soon, so, I brought out the big gun. "Who do you think told Temari about your little **cough **secret **cough**?"

Five seconds later and we were out the door.

~Several Hours Later In Which All Hell Breaks Loose~

After finally convincing Gaara that I had indeed taken my meds this morning, we arrived at the airport, in which, Gaara killed a guy whom had just bought curly fries from Arbys, we learned the basics and dangers of skydiving, Gaara killed the instructor, we got in our suites, got in the plane, flew up 11,000 feet or so in the air, and what day a know? Gaara kills the pilot, 'by accident' he says.

"So, um, what da we do now?" I ask as we start plummeting towards earth at 'your gonna crash, burn and die' speed.

Gaara said nothing; he just jumped out of the plane. I blinked. It took me a moment to realize he forgot the parachute (see what happens when you don't listen to/kill the instructor?!).

"Oh shit," Was all I said as I strapped on a conveniently located parachute and jumped. It didn't take long to find him, how many red dots fall out of the sky daily?

Using my 'mad skills', I soon found myself right next to him. I shouldn't have been surprised when all he was doing was crossing his arms and acting like jumping out of planes were as easy as breathing.

"I blame you." Was all he said as he continued to fall and I pulled the cord on the parachute, which then opened up and I began the 2,000-foot decent back to earth while he still continued to fall. Its not like I could hold on to him or anything, the parachutes were only meant for one person after all.

I continued to watch him until the little red dot that was he disappeared and a large mushroom cloud poofed up like While-E Coyote's.

~1, 873 Feet Later~

"I hate you."

"Its not my fault you jumped out of the plane without a parachute."

"How was I supposed to know that I needed that?" He said while pointing at the train that was still attached to my shoulders.

"Well if you hadn't killed the instructor OR the pilot, you would've known!"

"The Instructor's voice sounded weird. And I told you, it was an accident!"

"He was Australian! Of course his voice sounded funny!" **(A/N I love Australians, I do not mean to insult)**

"Hrm. I still hate you." He said as he bounced up and down like an accordion.

**I watch too many cartoons. **


	3. AdoptAKitten

**This chapter written by Baby Cougar.**

Gaara and the Kitten

I smiled at Gaara. He was looking at me with such loathing. I signed him up at the local shelter, and it was adopt-a-kitten week. Gaara hates cute and fluffy.

I pushed him in. I followed right after. I made him leave that blasted gourd at home.

"Cougar, I--"

"No, Gaara. You have to do this. It will look good on your, er, résumé." I led him over to the cat area where the adoptions were being held. We, well I, went behind the counter and picked out the cutest, fluffiest kitten. I cuddled her for a moment before transferring her to Gaara's arms. He gingerly held the kitten, not wanting to hurt it for my sake, but not entirely sure what to do with it.

"You try to get people to adopt her. Go on, Gaara."

The look he shot me would have chilled anyone else's blood. I was used to it. Lucky for me there was no sand here or people would be in trouble.

Gaara seemed to pick out a certain person in the crowd.

"Kitten?" He asked.

"Err, no thanks. I'm a dog-person." the man said.

"Kitten? Adopt please." He said in a more threatening tone.

"No, sir. Go away before I call the authorities."

"Adopt this kitten or I will KILL YOU!" screamed Gaara, trying to use all available sand to make himself more threatening. Unfortunately for him, the only sand was kitty litter. So, kitty litter was all round him, with little turds flying through the air.

"NOW!" he thundered, sending massive killing intent at the man.

He then thrust the kitten into the man's arms, careful not to hurt her.

"MEW!?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OK I'LL TAKE THE KITTEN! I'LL TAKE THEM ALL!"

Gaara then smiled one of those creepy smiles that makes you want to jump off a cliff. He nodded in satisfaction. He turned back to me, but I was in the middle of a glare. Upon seeing him, it changed quickly to bouts of laughter.

"What?" He said menacingly.

I just pointed to his shirt and laughed more. He looked down and grimaced. His shirt was soaked, and there was a little turd stuck to it. Guess he scared the kitten too.

"I hate you."

"I know."


	4. Blind Date

**Written by MusicAgainstTheHeart**

"Gaara?" I asked innocently as I sat down on the counter of the kitchen, looking in a magazine.

"No Music. Whatever it is; no."

"But I didn't even as-"

"No." He said with a glare as he opened the refrigerator door.

I stared at him a moment longer before shrugging and going back to the article I was reading. "Fine. But just so you know, I was gonna ask you whether or not you had brushed your teeth at all in the past few days. Now I know why the vendor selling those fish you were looking to buy, passed out."

Even though my eyes were on the page that suddenly held my interest greatly, I could still tell he had taken his head out of the icebox and was glaring at me again. Twice in one day, a new record, and one most people would try to avoid.

"Hn." Was all he said as he took out something from the fridge and went to get a glass from one of the shelves.

The article I had been reading was usually one I wouldn't have the slightest interest in reading; "How to Get a Guy." Uhg, those were the most boring, idiotic things written on the face of the Earth. Yet one of the suggestions that caught my eye gave me an idea and I had it planned out in 7 seconds flat.

"Gaara?" I said as innocently as I said before.

He paused for a moment before saying: "Yes, whatever it is, yes." I figured he thought I was gonna sak another pointless question again. Ehehehehe… boy was he wrong.

"Really?" I asked. "Great, then arrive at that restraunt at the end of the block at 7 p.m. tonight. Make sure your dressed appropriately and bring a flower too. Some dates like flowers. It makes you look thoughtful."

Whatever he had drinking suddenly flew out of his mouth and he started hacking. That's a first; I mused as I sat there watching him.

"What did you say?"

"Make sure that your ready for your blind date tonight at 7. That is what you just agreed to." I said cheekily.

He glared again, breaking the original world record for three.

"I hate you."

"What else is new?" I asked as I walked out of the room, making sure to avoid the puddle, which consisted of what he had been drinking, that was on the floor

.~6:58 p.m. sitting on the balcony, above where Gaara's seated at a table~

Gaara had left the house around 6:30. I had handed him a jacket and as he walked out the door. He muttered something about; "...die in a ditch," or something like that.

Gaara was sitting at a table, by himself, waiting for his date, which, whom, I had taken the liberty of calling on earlier.

As mentioned above, I was sitting on a conveniently located balcony, of which i got the perfect view of my dear little friend, waiting for his date. Now we just had to wait for them to show up. I picked up my diet coke and took a sip.

~two diet cokes later~

By this point, I was starting to think that Gaara's date had backed out, and so had Gaara by the looks of it. But suddenly, I saw his date walk around the corner and take a seat at Gaara's table.

"Sorry I'm late." Sasu-GAY (emphisis on the 'GAY'), said cooly yet in a rather...ravishing way that not only disturbed me greatly, but sent me to the point of which I laughed so hard that I was afraid the I would be spotted, therefore, I quickly paid for my drinks and hauled ass out of the restraunt before I was spotted.

~When Gaara got home a mere 4 minutes later~

"I hate you."

"I know."

**Idea from DontMessWithAnime. Thanx!**


	5. Insect Style: Binding Honey!

**Written by Baby Cougar. Idea from DontMessWithAnime.**

"This is a strange event, you asking me to go training with you." Gaara told me as we made our way to the training grounds to spar with my friend's team.

He was staying with me for free, he had come to Konoha for a mission that he did not want to tell me about. Probably to get away from his insane friend back in Suna, Music I believe her name was.

"It's not gonna snow, is it?" Gaara asked, throwing his arms over his head.

I stared at him. Imagining it, I laughed. "Not that I know of…"

"Nothing like that?" He stared at me.

I sweat dropped. "Don't you trust me?"

I could have sworn I heard him say no under his breath.

"Still, you asking me to go training with you and your friends is odd."

I just kept walking.

"It's not gonna snow….is there a paper bomb on my gourd?" He flipped it off and looked at it.

"OH MY GOURD! YOU ARE SO SEXY!"

I twitched, than slapped him. "Don't ever, EVER, do that again."

"Sorry."

"Whatever."

"Nothing like that? No? This is odd, it's not gonna snow, my gourd's not gonna blow….then…is a giant fist gonna come out of that tree and punch me?"

"Yes. My fist." I punched at him, but, with my terrible aim, I missed. And faceplanted in the dirt.

I growled and dusted myself off_. __Just wait, Gaara._

"Nothing like that?"

"NO, DAMMIT!"

"You sure?"

"Dude, what's your deal? Look we're almost there, I can see Team 8 up ahead,"

"Alright, I guess I'll train with you."

I almost got a heartfelt smile out of him, but right when his lips twitched up…

"Hey guys!" Team 8 materialized between us, blocking my view of a non-lethal smile. I knocked Kiba down for the hell of it.

"Ok guys, let's spar. Gaara, I've always wanted to see how you'd fight with Shino. Go ahead, and please don't kill him. I like him. Kill Kiba instead."

"HEY!!"

"I'm kidding. I love you guys. Now be a good little sand grain and fight with the bug."

The looks that Gaara and Shino shot me made me instantly regret forgetting my Kodak. We all had a seat to watch the two spar.

Shino took the lead, immediately going into taijutsu. Gaara was not surprised, apparently. He dodged almost all the attacks and blocked the ones he couldn't. Shino noticed this immediately and called upon his insects. They crawled out of his collar and sleeves, swarming around his arms, forming beautiful spiral patterns. Not to be outdone, Gaara used his sand, and it flowed around him like a river. They each sent torrents of their element at each other, and the insects collided with the sand. Apparently the sand was too much for the kikaichu, because some were getting killed. They each halted their attack, even with some kikai dying they were evenly matched. It was then that Hinata decided to make her presence known.

"Shino! Use that new technique you've been working on!"

Whoa. New technique? He never told me anything about a new technique.

Shino spared her the briefest of glances before setting his eyes back to Gaara.

"This hasn't been thoroughly tested, so be warned." Shino stated flatly.

I watched him form some handsigns, and saw his chest swell up. He put his fingers to his lips, similar to Sasuke and his fireball jutsu.

"Insect Style: Binding Honey!"

Insect style? I'll have to ask him about that. I don't think it exists. But, then again, you never can tell with Shino….

My eyes widened as I saw the amber liquid shoot out of Shino. Gaara went to dodge, but had failed to notice that the insects (of which he had never called back) had bound him to the ground by his sand, the way a termite can build a rock hard wall with just sand and its own spit. Gaara realized that he was going to be hit, and crossed his arms protectively over his face. There just wasn't enough time to break free.

_SPLAT!_

"Shino, I must say that is one of the most disgusting thing I have ever seen you do. Is that real honey? And one more thing, you are gonna have to explain "Insect Style" to me, because I'm sure that you just made that up."

He didn't respond, he just glared at me. He wiped his lips and adjusted his glasses, admiring his handiwork.

"Can you move?" he asked Gaara. We all trained our eyes on the sand ninja. Who had his eyes trained on me.

"Somehow, Cougar, I think this is your fault." I ignored his comment and walked over to him. I touched the sticky substance. It felt like honey alright. Honey and Krazy Glue.

"Dammit Shino!" I said.

"Sorry."

Gaara slowly pulled his arms apart from the front of his face. Strings of the honey kept his arms connected. His entire body was coated in it, as well as most of his sand. He knelt down, to get his legs apart, then stood back up. It was obvious that that move was awkward, since his feet were still bound. The insects were gone, retreating to their master.

Gaara yanked his feet up one at a time, breaking the sandstone that they were encased in. He turned his glare to Shino, who almost flinched, since there was so much killing intent in the hard green gaze.

"Does anybody know a water jutsu that can get this stuff off?" He asked us. Hinata went over to help him. I went to Shino.

"Will that stuff come off? It's not normal honey."

"Not with water. There's a reason it's called "Binding Honey." Since you only poked it, it didn't really affect you, but the jutsu's effect is that when the honey comes in contact with something hard, say a tree or the ground, the victim will be stuck there. Small things that come in contact, like leaves, insects, feathers and such, will stick to the victim as well. It also bonds with the hair and clothes, and skin too. I created it, with the help of my clan, but it's still in testing. I don't know how to remove it, this is the first time I have used it on a person."

"Great. Now, where did you even come up with that idea, and how is Gaara supposed to get that stuff off?"

"Actually, the idea came from the beeswax of the Kamizuru Clan, and I don't know how he will get it off. I'll have to take him back to the Aburame Compound."

Oh, great. Gaara will _love _that. Well, I suppose I should tell him.

Hinata came back, the attempt at washing the honey off obviously unsuccessful. I went to Gaara and relayed Shino's message to him.

"Hn. Fine. Let's go."

Team 8 split up to go home, seeing as it was a priority to get Gaara cleaned up, and get him new sand since the old sand was unusable. Gaara and I followed Shino to the Aburame Compound.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

By the time we got to Shino's house to talk to his dad, Gaara was a mosaic of flies and leaves, and even a butterfly was attached to his face. Right on his nose. How cute. Shino came back to us with his father. He stared at Gaara in disbelief, then backhanded his son.

"BAKA!"

"Ouch!"

Well, that was interesting. After a tiny squabble, they came to the conclusion that they should consult others in their clan. Gaara and I went outside and waited for the clan to assemble. In no time, the Aburame Clan swarmed around us, throwing out ideas.

All day, Gaara was a guinea pig for them. They tried everything to get the stuff off. They only managed to remove the insects from him, but not the honey.

It was then when someone, a child of about 10, came up with the idea the have the insects eat it off.

No one wanted to risk it.

"Go ahead and try it, then, Kotshi."

The boy named Kotshi hesitated, but released his insects at Gaara. Gaara's eyes widened. There were a hell of a lot of bugs swarming at him. In no time, he was completely black with the child's kikaichu, which were stuck in the honey. Gaara was twitching underneath. I will admit, that would make even me uncomfortable, and I have no qualms about the whole "bug live inside your body" thing.

"Get them OFF!"

Gaara hadn't spoken all day, but this was overwhelming. The child, Kotshi, was crying because his bugs were stuck, but about five minutes later they returned, having chewed themselves out, but the honey remained intact.

Shino was the one who came up with a brilliant idea. He whispered in in my ear, and I grinned at the evilness of it.

The evening sun soared behind the trees, it was getting late.

I produced a set of shears that had been given to me by one of the women. It was battery operates, so I clicked it on.

_Bzzzzzzz…._

"Hold still, Gaara. This will only take a moment."

I saw his eyes widen when he saw what I was gonna do, but he didn't stop me, because, well, this just might work. I pushed the shears against his head. It bit right through the honey and sheared some hair off. It worked! I shaved the rest of his head. Yay! His head was free of the revolting mess. I stepped back, and saw all the red tufts stuck t o the rest of his body. It took all my willpower not to laugh. Luckily for Gaara, this was the Aburame Clan, and they don't just burst into la---

"HA HA HA HAA!!!"

Of course, Kotshi. And Shibi. How could I forget. The rest of the clan stared at these two, shaking their heads. I heard a couple snorts, but nothing else after that. Gaara stared at me with horror on his face.

A small group of men circled Gaara and herded him away to a clear area. The women, including me, were shood away. I knew what would happen next. I saw the bright orange glow of a fire. They were burning his clothes. His gourd was gone, the kikai that attached themselves earlier had taken the liberty of eating it.

When they came back, I almost didn't recognize him. They had given him some clothes, Aburame style of course, to wear for now. He looked ridiculous in the tall collar.

"Excuse me, Shibi?"

"Yes, Gaara?"

"May I borrow some sunglasses to wear, I'd rather people didn't recognize me. It will ruin the whole I'm-a-badass-jinchuurinki-that-is-the-Kazekage-of-Suna thing."

"Sure."

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

We walked back to my house, receiving odd stared. No one has ever seen a bald Aburame before.

We reached my house, and Gaara flung the glasses off. I dove to catch them, they were just like Shino's I could SO use these to bug him.

He looked at me, the light was shining off his bald head, but he had a gorgeous complexion now. Shino should sell that stuff!

"I hate you, so much."

I ran over and squeezed him.

"I know."

**I know, there's no such thing as "Insect Style" but DontMessWithAnime requested that I cover Gaara in honey and have him spend a day with Shino's family. I had to find a plausible reason that Gaara would even get honey on him. Don't worry, Gaara gets a new gourd, a new set of clothes, and his hair grows back with some help. I hope you liked this one, Anime! Let's hope Music can work with the Gaara I left her off with…**


	6. Hair and Bedazzler

**Sorry it took so long, I wouldn't have written it if Cougar hadn't nagged me to, so here ya go people!!**

**Written by MusicAgainstTheHeart**

_He's coming home today. He's coming home today_. That's what I kept thinking as I got up that morning, got dressed, ate breakfast, and cleaned up the house (more or less), and put the finishing touches on my "Welcome Home" present I had for him. As of now, I am sitting on the couch in the living room, staring at the clock. _Tic toc. Tic toc. Toc tic_. "Hey! The hands on that clock just jumped back a second!"

"I see Temari didn't pick up your meds at the pharmacy. If she did, you wouldn't be talking to inanimate objects." Then after a pause he said; "Then again, you always do that."

"GAA-" I spun around, ready to jump off the couch and about to glomp the poor boy, when I realized something about him was off. "What the hell happened to your hair?!"

Okay, I suppose saying "something was off" is putting it too lightly, seeing as what was once his wild red hair was now little patches of stubby fluff. Oh, and he was wearing the Aburame attire _and_ his gourd was missing. "Why?!"

He seemed to recall what happened and glared at the memory, "Cougar." Was all he said and all he needed to say. He turned to walk to one of the other rooms and I fallowed like the loyal little fan girl I am.

"Oh," I said and a smile started to dance the salsa on my lips. It grew faster and wider with every step as I tried to imagine what that girl in Konoha had done to him.

"Whatever it is that your thinking; stop it right now." I laughed then sucked it in as he turned and glared.

"The threats don't have the same effect as they once did, I'm sorry." I said all in one breath as I started to laugh; really, really hard. He made a sound that reassembled a growl, as I clutched my stomach in order to keep myself from doubling over. When I finally stopped, I realized that he had left the room. I moved to the kitchen and saw that he was on the phone. He made a shoo-ing motion with his free hand, one that I only saw my mom do…which kinda freaked me out, so as I left the room I proceeded to move my finger between my lips like an idiot.

Several minutes later he came out and I immediately stopped my childish antics. "Who were you talking to?" I asked innocently.

"I called the local library," I gave him a weird look, was this an imposter? I was about to go back to go back to the whole "finger in between the lips" thing when he continued, "I asked if they had any records on 'hair growing back' jutsus."

"And?"

He sneered, "They don't."

I thought a moment "Well, here are your options: 1. Get a wig, though I here they are very uncomfortable and can be a flea resort, so I wouldn't go with that one. 2. Wear a hat for the next three months, or 3. Invent a jutsu."

He frowned at the first two suggestions, but at the last he seemed to actually like the idea but all he said was; "Hn."

~Several Hours Later In Which Many Jutsu Attempts Were Made To Grow Gaara's Hair Back~

I was on my knees; hand over mouth, tears threatening to escape my eyes. Gaara was looking at me with wide eyes. "What did you do to me hair?" He asked seriously.

I stood up and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "Do me a favor and don't look in any mirrors for the next few minutes." I said as I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a comb, hair dye, and a pair of scissors. I walked back to the room (you NEVER run with scissors), "Hold still." I said as I pushed him onto a couch and started to comb the five foot long, glitter speckled, yellow highlighted hair. I made to work on brushing out all the glitter, cut the majority of the hair off, and poured the bottle of dye that I had left over from Halloween (I was a mermaid) onto his highlights and 20 minutes later, this hair was back to normal. All we had to do was get him into his normal clothes…and find him a new gourd. As he opened the door to his room, I suddenly remembered my surprise. "Uh...surprise?" The room look exactly the same. Same curtains, same bed covers, and the same pillow case. Only one major difference: It was BEDAZZILIFIED!!!

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!"

"Uh…surprise?" I said again as I took several steps back.

"What. Did. You Do…Music?!"

"Um…I redecorated. Don't you like-" And at that moment, I was SO glad he didn't have his gourd. That contains sand. That could kill me. Yeah, I was glad. But now that he had his hair back, those threatening glares were as, well, threatening as ever. Good thing they didn't bother me. Much.

"Remember that Bedazzler you got Kankouro for Christmas 'cause you had that coupon and uh, stuff. And Kankouro never used it, so I… put it to good use."

He balled his hands into fists. "Music?"

"Yes? Boy with the new Bedazilled room?"

"I hate you. A lot."

"Eheheheheee um, yeah." I said cheekily.


	7. The Fan Base

**Written by Baby Cougar. Idea by DontMessWithAnime. She suggested I lock Gaara in a room with fifty fan girls, but Music and I decided, what the hell, why not the whole fan base?**

The Fan base

I took Gaara to a place. Not just any place, but the Gaara fan base. Of course, he didn't know that. I told him that we were going on a treasure hunt.

"Why again are we doing this?" he asked me.

"Because it's fun and you had a deprived childhood. Shut up and let's go inside. I think it has started already." I told him.

"Cougar?"

I sighed. "Yes, Gaara?"

"My fan girl senses are tingling. Are you sure this is the right place?"

Uh oh. I forgot about those fan girl senses. All the boys have them, especially Sasuke. Oh well. We were at the back door. I couldn't take him in the front because there was a huge sign that said "Gaara Fan Club and Cosplayers" in huge letters. That would be a dead giveaway. I was only even bringing him because Music had said that he was staying with me in Konoha today, and many of the people she told were friends of mine _and_ total fan girls. So, of course, I got begged until I said yes. Unfortunately, treasure hunt was the only excuse I could come up with.

We reached the door. It locked on the outside, perfect. I opened it.

"You first."

He went ahead of me. I knew as soon as he saw the inside of the room he would know I was lying, so when he peeked in I pushed him in, slamming the door behind me and locking it, backing up to the brick wall across from it, laughing.

I could hear loud, high-pitched squealing, as well as screams from Gaara. I watched the door, and saw sand start leaking out of the lock. It clicked and the door swung open. Boy am I glad Music helped Gaara grow his hair back.

Gaara flew out and tried to shut the door from behind him, but several arms coming out prevented that. When pain finally registered, the arms disappeared behind the door and Gaara shut it. He locked it and leaned back against it. He was breathing heavily. After he caught his breath, he looked up at me, giving me the ultimate death glare. Tufts of hair had been ripped out, his gourd ripped off, and his left sleeve was missing. I would get the gourd back later.

"You know, Cougar, I wonder, why am I even friends with you?"

"Because, sweet thang, I, as well as Music, am not afraid of you or Shukaku. And you probably don't fear me as much as Music because I am not your fan girl. I'm Shino's."

"I still hate you."

"Yeah, I pretty much figured that out."

**Yeah, well, this isn't my best. Updates would be more frequent if Music wrote hers more often. Mine are always written before she even gets to hers. I will bet she hasn't even started chapter six yet. Oh well. Actually, by the time this gets out, six will be posted. ANYWAY, review! Thanx! Hope you like it, Anime! Sorry if it's pretty bad, this is the sixth fic I've written today, so my creative juices are starting to dry up.  
**

**PS: I was right. She wrote it a little while ago.  
**


	8. Coffee

**Written By MusicAgainstTheHeart. Idea from Master Hut.**

One would wonder why one would want to drink coffee, if one didn't sleep. Well ideally, one wouldn't need to drink coffee, let alone want to. But when one's friend convinces/ forces/ practically shoves the hot liquid down their throat, then one has no hope of avoiding the buzz that runs through their body after having a triple espresso.

"HOLD STILL!"

"I DON'T WANT ANY OF THAT SHIT!""DON'T TRY IT TILL YOU KNOCK IT!"

"THAT MAKES NO SENSE!"

"WAIT! NO! I MESSED THAT UP! I MEANT: DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT!"

"I DON'T SLEEP, MUSIC! SO WHATS THE POINT?!"

"YOU'RE SO BORING! THIS STUFF WILL…"

"WILL WHAT?!"

"It…it'll LIGHTEN YOU UP! YEAH, THAT'S IT!"

"I don't need to "lighten up"."

"Oh, yeah right. This is coming from a guy that doesn't: Laugh, cry, make jokes, smile, blink, breath…or show any emotion what-so-ever."

He glared and I placed the coffee under his nose and waved it around.

"You know you want it." I said slyly. Before he could make a remark that had something to do with the word 'no' I muttered "That is, unless, you're not up to it…"

"What was that, Music? I didn't quite catch that?" I had set a trap and he walked right into it, and he knew it.

"Hn." He took the cup in his hands, and did something that I didn't expect: he downed it in one swig. We both stood there for several moments.

I shouldn't have added those two shots of chocolate and the whipped cream. I dove for the couch and peeked out over the leather.

"OH MY MERCIFUL KAMI!!!"

The kitchen was in ruins. The fridge was over turned, everything that had been on the counter was now on the floor, and there was Gaara in the middle of the mess, vibrating like a message chair.

"M-m-music…."

"Oh don't bother, I know you hate me."


	9. Author Powers

**This chapter written by Baby Cougar.**

-_Gaara was prancing through the field of wildflowers, twirling through the billowing clouds of white dandelion fluff. He laughed as the seeds drifted into his hair. The bright sunlight brought out red highlights in the already crimson hair, and glittered off the particles of sand that were floating all around him. Wildlife, such as deer, rabbits, and birds, were attracted to the boy. The deer were tame enough for him to ride like a horse, the rabbits sniffed at him for tidbits, and the birds were landing on him. It was a truly magical sight to see the boy laughing and having a good time.-_

I tapped away at the keys, writing a wonderful story. Suddenly, a deer kicked the door open, and Gaara came storming in, dandelion seeds stuck in his hair.

"COUGAR!!!" He screamed at me, slamming the door behind him. He stormed up to me, grabbed the collar of my shirt, and lifted me off the floor. The deer stood there and stared.

"WHAT THE HELL!? DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO USE THE AUTHOR POWERS ON ME!?"

While he was ranting, I turned my head and used one hand to type quickly.

_Gaara is a harmless chibi._

Immediately, I dropped to the floor. A two-foot tall, seething, red-haired boy stood before me. I smirked.

"Would you like me to continue? I can make your sand potpourri."

He glared.

"I hate you." He said in a squeaky voice.

"I know," I said as I erased everything I wrote.

**Short, but it's been a while. I needed to put something out. I started this over a month ago.**


	10. Ice Skating

**By MusicAgainstTheHeart**

Ice Skating

"For the record, I've never done this before." I said as I finished tying my laces. I got to my feet, wobbled, then found my balance by leaning against the wall.

"And I have?" Gaara had finished getting his skates on a long time ago, but that was just because _he_ didn't have to go back to the receptionist twice to complain that his skates were too small. Not that *ahem* mine were…

I fake a look of surprise, "Are you admitting that you may, and this is a very big may, not be good at something?"

He crosses his arms and scowls. "I live in the _desert_. So yes, I am admitting that I am not good at everything, at least anything that deals with the cold/snow/ice." Then he turned around and says, "I'm just better then you."

"Bastard." I mutter and shove past him onto the ice. I am surprised to find that am rather good, by good I mean that I haven't fallen…yet. I make one full lap around the ring then stop in front of Gaara, who still hasn't moved.

"'I've never done this before' my ass."

I laugh and hold out my hand. He ignores it and steps out, one step at a time. His balance is found in a matter of milliseconds and his confidents is plastered all over his face, or at least that's the way I see it.

"Bravo," I clap, "now try moving." I start skating on my own and turn around to watch.

He falls.

Gaara falls.

Gaara of _the Desert_ falls.

I stop, dead.

And laugh so hard that tears come out of my eyes, which then freeze in seconds. After I compose myself (after about 15 minutes), I skate over and once again offer my hand to him. He takes it and pulls me down with him.

"Ow."

X.x.X

"I'm hungry." I say after we've returned the skates to the receptionist. She looks at me in disbelief, after complaining about the tightness of the skates, she would have thought I would have stayed out there for at least an hour. Sucks for her.

"I'm sorry." Gaara replies, he makes no move to go get me anything to eat, and so I whisper the blackmail of the day in his ear. "I'll be right back." He leaves, but not before giving me one of his signature glares.

I sit there waiting, that's until I notice that he's left his hat behind. Its one of those snow play elastic type hats, and so in a way to entertain myself, I start to throw it up into the air, then catch it. This goes on for about four minutes, that's when I miss it and it lands in the trashcan.

"Oh shit." I pick it out carefully and discover that it's covered in ketchup, mustard and bits of hotdog. I try to shake it off, and find that it's not working. "Shit, shit, shit!"

I see Gaara coming back and I hide it behind my back. He hands me a hamburger and I devour it in under a minute.

"Where's my hat?"

"Uh…I, er," I wipe my mouth with my sleeve, "um, oh, heh, here it is!" I hand it over and he puts it on, not noticing the bits of trash that cover it. I think he saw the look of horror on my face because he immediately whips it off and runs a hand through his hair. After looking at the smears of ketchup on his hand, he said;

"I hate you."

**I am so awesome! I finally got it out! WHOO-HOO!**

**LOVE YOU PEOPLE! PWEASE REVIEW!!! PWEASE PWEASE PWEASE!!!**

**LOVE-Y LOVE LOVE YOU!!!**


	11. Cougar?

"Hey, Cougar?"

"Hm?

"Is 'Cougar' truly your name?"

I stopped sipping my soda, and turned to look at the redhead.

"Why do you ask, Gaara?"

He looked contemplative for a moment, and his sea foam eyes locked with my hazel.

"I've been doing some research, and…"

_Uh-uh…_

"…Well, a cougar is a species of North American cat, _felis concolor_ or _felis panthera_. Also, it is what an older woman is called when she is interested in younger men. Surely you wouldn't want to go by such a name?"

Well, damn. The boy was doing research. He must have gotten on Music's computer back in Suna, because I don't let _anyone_ on mine here in Konoha. Really, my alias was no concern of his, but the look he was throwing me was disgruntling.

"And," he continued, "as far as my knowledge extends, you are four years _older_ than me."

My eye twitched. The lunatic couldn't _possibly_ think that…

"Uh, Gaara?"

"Yes, Coug?"

"…It's just a name. You're looking in to it too deeply."

He contemplated for a moment. Perhaps he was. I don't know why it interested him so much.

"Did you know that 'Gaara' means 'loving only thyself'?"

He nodded.

"I did."

I took another sip of soda and passed it back to him. Well, if he really wanted to know…

"C'mon, Gaara. Let's take a little walk, and I'll explain."

"Uh… sure."

We began our walk, taking a dirt road.

"You see, back when I was in junior high and high school, we had a mascot. And what was it? A cougar. Hence, 'Baby Cougar'. Now, I had school pride. And my high school was the 'Home of the Cougars'."

He nodded.

"Where are you going with this?"

"You'll see."

We continued walking up the dusty road, and Gaara entertained himself by creating potholes in the dirt. We eventually came up upon a building, a small school. He looked interested, as the schools in Suna were massive.

"And you know why we're the home of the cougars?"

A single shake of his red head. I smirked, walking up to the doors.

"Come on ever here."

Finally, he hit a revelation. Gaara approached me more cautiously, and stood in front of the door.

"What…. ARGH!

He didn't have tome to finish his sentence. As I opened the door, a massive tawny creature burst forth, almost flattening him. A snarling scream of the mountain lion filled the air. Garra stood, arm extended, a little shocked, and the cat writhed in the air, suspended by sand. Deciding it wasn't worth it, he flung the creature, who rolled once and scrambled to its feet, racing off.

"Idiot."

I laughed.

"You wanted to know."

"Sometimes, I don't know what's more dangerous. Assassins trying to get me at the office or you and Music combined. Even you alone is bad enough."

"Raawr."

He walked away.

**Okay, so it was just a random thought, 'kay? Thought it'd be funny to address. I've gotten called out on my name being "Cougar" before. And, for the record, no, it is not my real name. But, the whole high school thing **_**is**_** the reason why my name is "Baby Cougar".**


	12. Duct Tape

**Author's Note: So here I am, bored out of my mind, surfing the web when it hits me: I've neglected this fanfic. Well, I suppose "neglected" is an understatement since its been- what?- seven months? Heh, heh, yeah.....**

**Once again, I have no excuse, all I can offer are my sincerest apologies. Yeah, I know, its not much, but come on, we're in a recession here.**

**Those who are surprised that I'm still pushing on with this, let alone that I'm still alive have every right to be. But this fanfic is called "50 Ways" and damn it, I'm gonna get 50 chapters into this thing, whether it kills my sanity or not. **

**So without further ado, the amazingly overdue, Chapter 12!!!**

**By MusicAgainstTheHeart**

"Duct tape has many uses: _Use One- Hanging posters, Use Two- Decorating book covers, Use Three- fixing broken tail lights on a vehicle, Use Four- Patching ripped clothing, Use Five- Hiding unsightly wallpaper seams, Use Six- Repairing those leaky pipes_! And those are only a _few_!"

"I see." The red-head did not seem to share the same amount of joy that I did, which wasn't unusual, but he could have at least looked up from his book while I read him the joys and wonders of duct tape.

"Ooh! Listen to this one! _Use Thirty-Two- You can wallpaper your house with it_! Even though that may be slightly expensive, but well worth it for the resulting sophisticated look. And, and-"

~Some-Time-Later~

"I've never understood the phrase 'I eat nails for breakfast', I mean, really, who does that?"

"Its just a phrase."

"I know, but I _come on_! Just because you're some tough biker-guy with 'Mom' tattooed on your biceps and your hair's all long and in a pony-tail, doesn't mean you eat _nails _for breakfast. That's not sanitary!"

"Music, just let it go."

"Nor is it healthy! I don't think your stomach can digest metal. Can it? Not only your stomach, but when you _swallow _it. That would slice your throat. Wouldn't it? And then even if it made it past your throat and your stomach, what if it got caught in your intestines? It would block up everything! Then your food wouldn't be able to pass through! Then you'd have to get surgery and get it removed! Uhg! And even if it _didn't _get stuck- I don't even want to _imagine _having to mmph mmph mmpher!"

"Well whadaya know? You were right: duct tape does have many uses."

He duct tape my mouth shut, the jerk. But before I could rip it off, he proceeded to stick me to the wall with the dark substance.

"_Use Sevenity-Six- Tape annoying people to walls, floor, celling or bed_."

**Baby-Cougar's note: All that up there was totally her, dudes. I'm just in a massive spot of writer's block. But I'm working on it! I'll try updating this one, then work on whatever I can muster muse of for. –Sigh-**

**In better news, I'm doing great as a drawing-painting major at the University. At least I can still draw. =D Also, every time I visit my front page which lists all my fictions, my browser freezes. Does it do this to you, also?**

**..Does anyone even still read this? D:**


	13. Game Over

**Oh em gee… is this it? Is this the truth? Is Baby Cougar ACTUALLY writing a new chapter to something!?**

**Perhaps, perhaps not. I've lost a lot of time, so I'm going to have to do a lot to get myself back up to speed. I have a few WIPs on the backburner for some chapters of I don't even know WHICH stories, but I'll try getting on working on them again. I decided to update this one fresh since I started thinking about Gaara when music did her last chapter. I'm gonna try to make this one a bit longer, and it's gonna be weird. I'm running out of creative ways to make Gaara wanna hate me, but I'll sit with Music and invent a few.**

**Chapter 13: Game Over**

**Written by Baby Cougar**

"There's an orange one up in that tree, see it?"

All I got in response was a grunt, the click of a button, and Link maneuvered up to fetch the orange Rupee. Another 100 to add to the pot. The seafoam eyes were intensely focused on the screen, hairless brows beading in concentration. He'd been concentrating on mastering this "Wii" thing, taking the liberty of playing my Twilight Princess. Currently, he was attempting to find all the dark insects in Kakariko Village. He'd been at it for a long time, but he'd caught on quickly on how to swing the remote and nunchuck. I leaned back on my pillow, against the headboard, while Gaara sat cross-legged at the end of the bed, nearly unaware of his surroundings. I guess, even though he's Kazekage, he IS still just a kid.

Hn... I started getting bored, since Twilight Princess IS a one-player game, and there wasn't much I could do, even though I'd played it before. I made him leave his gourd by the front door; just because the game agitates you does NOT mean you can crush the TV, after all. That meant there was a slight increase in the safety level. Just slightly. Hmm… he was focusing on that game pretty hard… wonder how much it would take to completely distract him? Making up my mind and blotting out my boredom, I crawled toward him. Gaara barely registered the shift in the material from my movements.

I touched my hand to the unruly flames of his hair, ruffling it up and doing nothing to help the style. His hair was course and dry; an attribute that was primarily due to cheap shampoo and the fact that he lived in a desert. Yay sand. He twitched his head, otherwise ignoring me. No good, 'eh? The speaker on the remote let out the sharp sound of Midna giggling, indicating that there was a spot for Wolf Link to jump up higher to. While he jumped, my face hovered around his right ear, chin resting on his shoulder and resting against his back. "Hi."

He spared me an irritated sideways glance before looking back to the screen. "…Hi." Still a no-go? I shifted to accommodate for his jerky movements; swinging the Wiimote will do that, you know. Putting my knees past his hips, my arms slid around his waist and folded neatly in his lap. "…What are you _doing_, Cougar?" Response, response… "Nnn… hug." I murred. He shifted, rather uncomfortably, shifting his attention back to the game, his focus not intent as it had been. Getting closer…

Now, lemme tell you folks. Gaara is not cuddly. He does not "cuddle". He broods. When he gets a chance, at least, between being harassed by either Music or myself. I smirked against his ear; trying to further his discomfort. I whistled slightly through my teeth, making a sort of "pssst" sound. He twitched again, and the wolf on the screen engaged with three big black shadow creatures. Hmmm…. Still not good enough? He was harder to distract than I thought. Well, _fine_. If it's gonna be like that…. My arms went up, hooking his, and grabbing his head. _Liiiiiiiick._

Now, several things happened simultaneously. First, there was a grunt from Gaara, followed by a loud crack that resonated through my skull, the Wiimote having collided with my forehead. I answered with my own grunt, falling back from the impact. In the background, I hear the bark of a dog, then a collision, then the whine and Midna's disapproval. After that, the melody that lets you know that it's Game Over. I cracked up; barely registering Gaara's evil glare but sobering at the wave of killer intent. Upon seeing a hint of pink across his pale cheekbones, I sputtered, laughing again. Who the hell lives in a desert and remains that pale!? He growled.

"DAMNIT COUGAR."

"Bwuahahahahaaaaa…."


	14. Nickname

**By MusicAgainstTheHeart**

Having all the blood rush to your head can be painful and quite unattractive, but its not like I care. I hung upside down on the couch in Gaara's living room- content as can be, despite the fact my face was turing red and everything was becoming a tad blurry. No matter.

The red head was sitting directly across from me, facing in my direction, back against the coffee table.

He look at me with a mix of fascination and horror as my face continued to change various colors. "Is this what you do in order to keep yourself entertained while I'm not here?"

"Nope. I do it for the thrill." I flipped back over and stood up. Almost directly after, I collapsed back into the couch. My head was spinning and instead of stars, I saw planets. "Ooh. Gimme a second. I'm flying past Uranus."

I couldn't see his expression, but I had a feeling it was something along the lines of "what have you been smoking?"

The answer to that question is nothing, but I find it more fun to keep him guessing.

When my vision cleared, Gaara was still sitting there, looking kinda bored, and you know what? So was I.

Maybe it was the side effects from being upside-down for thirty minutes straight or my intense, somewhat psychotic, need to keep his attention on me. Whatever the reason, I declared; "You need a nickname."

"Come again?"

"You know, a nickname! Like mine! Well, technically its an alias, but its just about the same thing!"

"By the way, why do you have an ali-"

"Gaary!"

Blink. "No."

"Gordon? Or Gourdy. Cuz you've got the gourd thing going for ya."

Stare. "No."

"Ra? Nah."

Silence.

"But...I like Ra."

"Ra is the Egyptian god of the sun. Its not you."

"We're in a desert. Where are we going to find anymore sun then here?"

"No. Ra is taken. Get over it."

Gaara blinked slowly. "You're the one that suggested it."  
I ignored him, in intense thought.

"Gaan Gaan!"

More silence.

"Why would I have a nickname thats longer then my original name?"

"Ah, ah, ah! Do not question it! It is decided!"

"But if its _my _nickname, don't I get a say?"

I shook my head. "Nope. You are rechristened....As Gaan Gaan!"

I proceeded to dance around the room, whilst he continued to sit on the floor.

"Why me?" He asked dully.

"Because," I started, lying back on the couch upside-down once more, effectively popping his personal bubble, "you're cheaper then therapy."

**Thank you and come again. **


	15. Onward to Cheetos!

**A/N: MADE OF AWESOME**

**but only for this story....**

**This chapter written by Baby Cougar**

Chapter 15: Onward to Cheetos!

"What do you mean you've never driven! You're 16, almost seventeen. YOU'RE RUNNING A COUNTRY! And you've never been inside a car?!!"

Gaara did nothing but spare me a feeble glance before turning his eyes back to the road ahead. The light turned green, and the car jerked forward. I clung to my seatbelt fearfully. Not like I'm a great driver, either....

"I LIVE IN THE DESERT, COUGAR. AND I CAN RUN FASTER THAN THIS DAMN THING. I'M A SHINOBI, NOT A– "

"...CAR!!!"

The brakes slammed, and the tires screeched. Both our heads jerked forward from the momentum, and the said vehicle's horn blared as it went by. Smooth, Gaara. Real smooth. We got going again, not as jerky this time. "You'll wanna take a left of there... that's right, flip your signal.. Nono, it's on the left side.. Ack, that's the windshield wiper!" He groaned again, and I could tell he'd rather be doing other things. Like running his country... or spending time with big sis talking about sibling love, or maybe big bro and bonding by playing puppets... "Whatever you're thinking, stop it. The look on your face is unnerving." I could only giggle in response. His lined eyes tried to grapple with the road rules... right side, left side... which side was he to drive on? I could almost see it running through his mind. I would have giggled, had the answer not been the line between life and death. After all, we were just running to the store. No sense dying for a bag of Cheetos, now, was there? Chester would be disappointed.

There were still a few miles from our position and the parking space with our name on it at Walmart. A few, danger-filled, adrenaline rushing, attention-seeking miles. They sure as hell better have some special Cheetos on sale.

Oh, did I mention, since it's FEBRUARY, there's snow? Yea, poor Gaara and changing weather conditions. Luckily, thus far the roads have been clear, with no ice to slip on. But then. We haven't taken any back roads, either, just the main bypass, which we'd have to turn off of up here shortly. "You're gonna wanna change lanes.. no... wait unti- Use your mirror! Yea. There you go. Okay. See the green sign? You're gonna want to take that exit. Flip your signal." He begrudgingly followed my commands, not wanted to totally wipe out on a big stretch of road. He was already having trouble coping with Konoha's ...unusual... geography... but I'm thinking he connected it to my author powers. He gave me a sideways glance when I fistpumped in glory because of my magic pen. He turned, and we got off smoothly; luckily there was little traffic at this time of day.

Do do do do... decided to switch on the radio, since it had been silent. I settled it to a country station, not quite sure on what kind of music he'd like. Oh well, bugger'll deal, won't he? Suddenly, there was this sensation of gliding, and I could hear Gaara grunt and curse under his breath. Quickly, I looked up. Shit... ice! No traction in this spot, we slipped on a patch of black ice, and were careening towards the trees. I put up my hands to protect my face (because that was a cardnial safety procedure in a car crash) and braced myself for impact. Suddenly, we stopped, the crashing sound I had been expecting replaced by a thud, and the sound of sand running. I looked. Yay useful sand demon! Err... I mean... I looked over to the driver's seat.

"Maybe... maybe I should drive..."

"...I hate you..."

Hur hur, something he's not good at. We got out, and, after he pushed the car back onto the road, I got in the driver's seat and we took off. Onward to Cheetos!


	16. What Do You Mean It Isn't Jerry Springer

**[Hello lovies! Cougar here. We took one of your requests to put Gaara on a talk show and decided to implement it. Music and I decided to write this chapter together, so it's getting a lot of back-and-forth editing. Because both of us are present in this chapter, we're putting it in third person, since we both can't write using "I". You'll notice both of our styles in here Hopefully you'll find yourselves amused as we try to answer eachother's questions as the insane redhead. A note to Gaarasgirl: This story is not in the same universe as "Why Gaara Loves Music". I wrote that as a little gift for her. I'mma fill ina buncha requests with this chapter.]**

**[-Waves- Hi everyone! This be Music. Basically I have nothing to say, otherwise I'd just be repeating everything Cougar just said- I just wanted to make my presence known, heh heh. So, yes. Technically this was supposed to be my chapter but I bitched about it enough that Cougar said she'd co-write with me, gods bless her. Aaaanyway, I'll shut it now- ENJOY!]**

**This chapter written by both MusicAgainstTheHeart and Baby Cougar. (Woots us!)**

**Chapter 16 – What do you mean it's not Jerry Springer?!**

**Ideas here by: Sillydarkrose, Anime1addictithon, Wolf Hidden in Moonlit Shadows, and WHAT?! NO LOBSTER?!**

-Cues theme music-

-Audience claps/cheers-

-Camera turns to three individuals sitting in overstuffed chairs. Two girls and one male sit together in a half circle. The girls' smile pleasantly while the male's stoic expression causes the audience to grow dangerously quiet.-

"Hello! And welcome to-"

"Interrogation Station!" Screamed the audience.

"Thats right! Last time, we questioned the Hokage of the Hidden Leaf Village."

-Cameras turn to big screen. It has "Last time, on Interrogation Station" in bold letters, then turns to a video of a spikey-blonde haired boy standing on one of the chairs, sticking out his tongue and giving a peace sign straight into the camera. "I'm Hokage, believe it!" he said excitedly while the hosts gave a strained smile and gave a gesture to the unseen cameraman to go to commercial.-

-The camera turns back to the three people-

"Today, we are here with the Kazekage of the Hidden Sand Village- Gaara of the Desert!

The screen above them flashes "Gaara of the Dessert" in bright colors, some of the audience members laughed, others eye the red head wearily as he gives the two hosts a withering glare.

"Ahem, so, Gaara! Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?" The shorter of the two girls sat foreword in her chair, hands clasped together in her lap.

"I'd rather not."

"Awh, come on!"

"Yes Gaan Gaan," Music said, eyes sparkling with mischief, "come on!"

Gaara rubbed his forehead, and Music got the feeling that he was desperate to get rid of that nickname, before it completely skewered his reputation. Or worse – he got used to it.

Gaara shifted, knowing that the two girls weren't going to let him go until he answered all their godforsaken questions. Hah! To think he'd been bribed here with the promise of Chips Ahoy! Blasphemy.

"Fine. I am Gaara of the Sand. I have one brother and one sister. I used to be a jinchuuriki of the One-Tailed Shukaku," at this, Cougar noted that the atmosphere in the crowd had altered, "...but I still possess the ability to manipulate sand. Anyone care to see?"

The cork popped off his gourd and the sand started trickling in the two hostess' direction.

"Ahh... that's enough. I'm sure they believe you, Gaara. Now, for the next question..." Cougar flipped to the next notecard, leaning over to show Music for approval, before resuming to ask the question. "You've been alternately sharing residence with both Music and myself for the past year or so now. What made you do it, and how do you like it? Have you fallen for one of us?" Cougar winked dramatically at the boy, nudging Music. Probably not; at the rate they were going, he'd be more apt to kill them.

The boy let out a breath, crossing his arms and sitting back in his chair, "Well, its not like I had much of a choice. With the ever persistent Author Powers, I don't have much of a say. As for how I like it, I don't."

"So your saying your weak and are not match for our Author Powers?" Music said slyly.

Gaara was about to retort with a curt "No.", but with the magic that is Author Powers, he said, "Yes. That is precisely why."

The crowd let out an "Awww!" Half because they pitied him, the other because a flashing screen told them to.

Music nodded, as if she completely understood what the poor Kazekage was going through. "I completely understand." Okay. Maybe she did. To some extent. Or...not. "But you've ignored the question of whether or not you have taken a liking to either of us." She pressed, while smoothly checking her appearance in the camera's reflection.

"No," He said dully.

From Music's peripheral vision, she saw an audience member raise her hand. Turning in the general direction of the crowd, she raised her chin in acknowledgment. "Yes? Is there something you would like to say?"

A black haired beauty with red lips stood, aloof. "Ah, yes. I believe the reason Gaara has no interest in either of you is for he is madly in love with me."

"No way! He's in love with me!" Yelled a blonde indignantly.

"No! ME!"

"Which!" Music said loud enough to be heard over the crowd, "brings us to our next question: Gaara, how do you deal with all of your, ah, _charming_ fangirls?"

Gaara put a hand to his temple, rubbing away the vein that was threatening to burst.

"I'd really like to tell you how I deal with them, but if I show you, you might have to immediately cut to commercial break." He shot a wave of killing intent over the audience, and the mindless chatter ceased instantly. Yea... Cougar had seen what he was capable of. It was a mistake letting him bring his gourd onto the show. Music and her have to pay a lot to use this airtime! Cougar got up, waltzing over to Gaara's armchair (My, weren't the seating arrangements on talkshows lovely?) and sat on the arm of his chair, sending a sly look to all the seething fangirls out there. One of them waved a swatch of cloth; Oh! She was the one who had snatched his sleeve? Gaara immediately removed his arm from the rest, scooting to the side of the chair. "Ask your damn question."

Cougar laughed. "Okay, okay. Why is it that you insist on putting up with us alone? Why not make your brother or sister suffer with you? Or bore us to death by having one of us help you? I know we have Author Powers, but you're a very powerful individual. We can't capture ALL the details."

Gaara opened his mouth, then closed it. He opened it again, but nothing was coming to mind.

"Careful, leave it like that and flies will get in." Music muttered, loud enough for him to hear. He then promptly closed it. Again.

"Come on Gaara, throw us a bone here. Why the heck would you voluntarily put up with Cougar and I?"

"I suppose it all started that day I was keeping watch at the East Tower." He said thoughtfully. "It was just about time for me to switch out with another guard when I saw a flock of desert-native birds flying overhead. One of the birds, the leader, or at least I assume it was the leader since it was in front of the other birds, suddenly fell from the sky, and landed with a thud in the sand."

Music looked to Cougar, whom looked to Music. They silently motioned to the camera-crew to dim the lights, and put a spotlight on the red head, setting the Storytelling mood.

"Its siblings, the other birds, kept flying, not bothering to stop and help their fallen brother, and a new bird pulled in front, making itself the new leader. The abandoned bird lay there, still and forgotten, until a colony of ants came by and picked up the bird. They carried it to its nest, were I can only assume they brought it in, healed its injuries, and made it their leader."

The tallest of the two hosts quirked an eyebrow. That was a pretty big assumption, since desert ants eat dead and/or dying creatures. _Including _birds. Eh, but why spoil the moment for him? Instead she said:

"So, lets see if I can rephrase here- you are the leader bird. You "fell" from the sky and your bird siblings abandon you, so you rely on the ants- thats us- to take care of you."

"Yes."

"Oh, okay. Next question: What's your opinion of hair extensions?"

"...Hair extensions? I don't really care. If you wanted your hair long, you shouldn't have cut it off."

Cougar got up cheerfully from the armrest, beaming at the cameras and the audience.

"Next up: We're going to have some special guests! We'll meet them after these commercial breaks."

The audience cheered, then started filtering out for bathroom breaks. Cougar went back over to Music, ignoring Gaara (Who was setting out for a bathroom break himself) and checking Music's card.

"Who's next on the lineup?"

"Well, first we gotta get Gaara to change, and then it's-"

"SHIT! YOU FUCKERS DON'T TOUCH ME! WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE!?"

"- it's the religious fellow with Tourette's Syndrome. After that is the movie screen."

Cougar blinked, having a hard time beleiving Music was able to ignore that yelling. The audience giggled when they heard the shouting. Cougar, however, went in the back to hunt down Gaara. She searched him out, grabbing the dress from the hanger. She called out to a couple of the backstage crew men, requesting backup, before jumping Gaara when he came out.

"HOLD HIM DOWN!"

With the help of the two men, we efficiently stripped Gaara down, got a pink frilly lolita dres on him, and I clasped the heart necklace around his neck. Making sure his eyeliner was good, I handed him the pink wand, which he clung to furiously, face almost beet-red.

"What the FUCK."

"Better not take it off. You're not getting your clothes back until later."

"You didn't tell me ANYTHING ABOUT THIS."

She shrugged. "It was in the script."

"Err... Miss Cougar? It's almost time..."

"Ohh... snap. Come on, Gaara!"

"Wait-"

Not stopping, she grabbed his wrist and ran back out onstage, and he stumbled in his little princess shoes, holding down the ruffles of his skirt and staring angrily at the audience.

"Laugh, and die."

He took his seat.

Cougar stood up proudly.

"Ladies and gentlemen, time to meet our special guest. Please welcome the acclaimed Jashinist, Hida-"

"DAMN IT!! I TOLD KAKUZU NOT TO POST THAT VIDEO DIARY OF ME IN THE SHOWER! WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS??, SNEAKING UP ON A DEFENSELESS SHINOBI WHILE HE INNOCENTLY SINGS "FIREFLY" IN BETWEEN MY FIRST SHAMPOOING AND THEN SECOND SHAMPOOING CUZ THE DAMN BOTTLE SAID 'REPEAT IF DESIRED'!!! NOW I'M GETTING PUT ON T.V. SHOWS BECAUSE IT GOT MORE THEN A MILLION HITS!!! DAMN HIM TO HELL!!!"

It suddenly occurred to the Akatsuki member that he wasn't just talking (screaming) to himself. It _also _gave him the idea that _maybe _the microphone that dick-headed ass of a assistant gave him was turned _on_. Hmm, well, one thing was certain, two things, actually.

One- Everyone, that being the 700million viewers, had heard his not-so-private outburst.

Two-He was going to _murder _Kakuzu when he got home.

"Well **hello **there, Hidan." Music said, standing and offering a hand to the man. He ignored it, taking in his surroundings. There was an audience, two hostess's and one crossdressing red head. The crowd waited with a baited breath, wondering what Hidan would do.

"Did I say "Firefly"? I meant "Hit the Floor"...heh."

"Of course you did. Anyway, the reason you are here is not for the entertaining video of you serenading to your rubber duck-" at this Hidan started to protest, but Music ignored him. She didn't just offer a handshake to _anyone_. And when they pay no mind to the hand, she gave them the cold shoulder. "-but to teach-" she glanced back down at the notecards in her hand, making sure she read them correctly, "-Sex Ed to our lolita dressed friend over there." She jabbed a thumb in Gaara's general direction.

Said Kazekage expected the Akatsuki member to start ranting about how there was NO way he would ever do such a thing. He was sadly disappointed.

"I, ah, hmm. Sex Ed you say?"

The girl nodded.

The man clasped his hands together almost excitedly. "Alright then!" He practically skipped over to Gaara's chair and knelt in front of him. "Now Gaara, the way the Birds and the Bees typically works is that when a man and a woman fall in love. or they think their in love, or a man and a man or a woman or a woman fall in love, I don't judge, but things work differently if your a homosexual compared to those of us that are heterosexual. For example, say _you _where homosexual and _I'm _heterosexual-"

"Why do I have to be the homosexual?"

"It doesn't matter whose the homosexual, Gaara. This is just an example."

"So then why don't you be the homosexual?"

"Because I don't want to be."

"You just said you don't judge."

"I don't see what the problem is, since you are homosexual."

This got everybody dead quiet, even the two girls on stage looked on with interest.

If looks could kill, Hidan would have been beaten, poisoned, stabbed, burned alive, shot, suffocated, drowned, and run over by a truck.

"What," the boy said between gritted teeth, "did you say."

"Hey man, I'm just going by the facts- you got 470 fanfics with Lee, 1074 with Naruto, 295 with Sasuke, 232 with Neji and even 4 with Chouji- and you've like never even met the guy!"

"Then how do you explain your 364 with Kakuzu?"

Hidan shrugged, "Maybe he's the queer, or sick people just like to get their kicks from pairing up two normal guys."

Gaara was standing now, ready to beat the crap out of this guy. Hidan saw it coming and stepped away from him. Music recognized his drawing-circle stance and cued the cameramen to go to commercial, not that she minded if the two went at each others throats, but the show was rated PG, and it was a part of the contract that the girls had signed- they had to keep it PG.

Cougar could do nothing more than facepalm. Geez... "Alright, alright, now that the audience is getting terrified, it's time for Hidan to go."

"Well, what the shit, I was just getting started!"

"Hidan. You look like you're getting ready for Halloween. Get yo black-and-white ass self off stage before we call security."

Hidan laughed, scaring a few more audience members. "As if I couldn't kill and securi-"

"HIDAN. Come on. We're not going to make any profit if you're screwing around here."

Tentacle-like threads came from nowhere, wrapping the priest and lifting him offstage, a stream of curses trailing behind. Cougar's eyes followed them to their source, and Kakuzu tipped his police hat before stepping backstage and most likely leaving. Well, okay then. Cougar signaled for the show to come on again. Man, this was dangerous stuff. She put on a big smile.

"Sorry about that. Akatsuki members are a little tough to handle these days. Now then, we have a video clip we want to show you, and then we'll ask Gaara a few questions! But first-" she turned to Gaara, who immediately put his guard up, "-Gaara! It is apparent you like to dance. Was it Lee's idea, or were you the initiator?"

Gaara shifted in his pink lace. "I can assure you I have no idea what you're talking about."

Cougar smiled, and then clapped her hands. A video screen rolled down in the back of the stage, and music started playing over the speakers.

"_Do, do doo...  
Yeah-eah-eah, yeah_

_Vi undrarar ni redo alt vara med  
Armarna upp nu ska ni fa se  
Kom igen  
Hvem som helst kan vara med..."_

The video came on, and it showed Gaara of the Desert, next to Rock Lee, dancing to the Caramelldansen. As the two boys on screen twisted their hips and waved their hands, Cougar turned to look at Gaara, who was absolutely fuming. There was a cracking sounds, and he dropped his wand, the part in his fist having been crushed to a fine powder. The song continued on, and the audience was in a fit of giggles. Two minutes later, the clip ended, and the screen rolled back up.

"Well, Gaara? What do you have to say about it _now?_"

Music saw it first.

The sand slithered from his gourd like a viper. It floated effortlessly, poised, ready to strike and deliver a deadly blow. Ahhh, but Music was ready.

_I love you_

_You love me_

_We're a happy fam-il-y_

_With a great big hug_

_And a kiss from me to you_

_Won't you say you love me too?_

From stage-left entered a purple dinosaur. With its green spots and beady black eyes, it entertained the young while striking fear in the hearts of the old. As well as providing comic-relief for those in between.

This effectively stopped the sand in its tracks, just like she new it would. Or, hoped rather.

Turning to the audience, Music waved a hand in the new guests' direction, "Everyone, please say hello to Barney the Dinosaur!" There was polite clapping and a few whistles, Music herself hid her disgust as the thing in costume gave a mechanical laugh.

"Gaara, please says hello to Barney! And for sands sake, put it away!"

The sand sunk to the floor obediently and Gaara crossed his arms, sulking.

"Good, now why don't you give the nice abominatio- I mean _adorable _plushie a hug?"

"Hell no."

"Pwease?"

"No."

The _thing _gave another laugh and even Gaara flinched. "If I do will it go away?"

"Yeah, I guess."

The boy glared at the dinosaur, hoping it would burst into flames. No such luck.

The very idea of coming in a five foot radius of the thing made his skin crawl. No way would he give it a hug, nope. No amount of Author Powers or Cheetos could make him. But he wanted it gone. Now.

And that's when it all went to hell.

In one fluid motion, the cork popped off his gourd and sand flew out, straight at the purple mass. Everyone expected to see an explosion of blood and gore, but instead, Barney dodged the attack.

It cackled, making all these mechanical noises.

"I know that noise!" Shouted an audience member. "It sounds just like-"

Barney then opened up, showing off deadly spikes soaked in poison.

"-Kankuro's puppets."

The Barney Puppet did a little dance, all the while shooting off several deadly weapons in the Kazekage's direction. His sand blocked them all, while the offense attacked, wrapping itself against the creepy thing and snapping it in half.

Silence.

"What?" Music said poking her head over one of the chairs. "Its over already?"

"Well, Music. It IS only an hour-long show."

Cougar tutted her; she should have known that. She came out from behind the guest couch, having previously been bent over in a fit of laughter. She'd just watch the tape later. She came back onto stage, kicking away some pieces of Barney.

"Alright folks, it's getting close to that time-"

"Awwwwh!"

"Ahem. The show's nearly coming to an end. Gaara, do you have any last words?"

Gaara stood up, and patted down the wrinkles in his skirt. He turned towards Music and Cougar, eyes gleaming with pure wrath and hatred as the cameras got ready to cut, and the audience started to file out. "Yeah, just one thing: I fucking hate you."

Cougar tutted. "Mind your language."


	17. A Trip To The Old Folks Home

**This chapter written by Baby Cougar.**

**Someone, somewhere, at some point requested a visit to a nursing home. AHA. Way early in the review list, we have the request for Gaara to work at an elderly retirement home by Boneyboy and Curleyblue. I'd also like to mention that the roads are icy in this chapter because it was still winter when I started writing it. Woot for muse death.**

**Chapter 17: A Visit to the Old Folk's Home**

"Okay, Gaara! You'll have fun on this trip. It's relaxing to be with old people. They fawn over you and shower you with goodstuffs because they'll never be young again, and all their children have grown up and don't care anymore!"

Gaara just blinked at me. He didn't seem too thrilled of the idea. Maybe he remembered Granny Chiyo? That old geezer gave her life for him. He probably had nightmares for a long time. You know, on those rare occasions when he slept. So, here we were, doubling up on a bicycle (My driving hadn't proved to be much better than his, sadly, and he wouldn't drive, either, so we took the bike, him pedaling with me on the pegs giving directions. Hell yes. Good thing the roads were completely clear on not icy today.), on our way to the Pleasant Meadows nursing home. Turning the corner after I figured out where we were, we set off again.

It only took a few more minutes to get to our destination, since Gaara turned out to be a pedal-devil. He hit the brakes, and we had flipped over the bike, shooting into a snow bank. What fun! After brushing ourselves and eachother off, we walked into the nursing home. Essentially, that's when the chaos began.

"Plunky!"

Gaara and I looked at eachother, an unsaid question being shared between us. 'Plunky...?' Immediately, out of nowhere, a walker collided into me, shoving me out of the way. I thudded on the ground, rubbing the site of impact and looking up. A lady who looked to be in her eleventybillion-ties had attached herself to Gaara's head, whose eyes were staring to bug.

"Plunky, oh, Plunky! You've come back to me, child! Oh, Plunky, I knew this day would come!"

Gaara clawed at the elderly woman.

"Cougar! Get her off! She smells like old people! D:"

I, however, could not help him. I was too busy laughing at this elderly woman who dare become a head ornament for Gaara of the sand, and call him "Plunky" of all things. Oh, the humanity. One of the CNAs came running, and he apologized heavily to the male teen as he pried the woman off. I finally regained my compusure and handed back the walker. Dearie me, what a traumatizing experience. Hope he survives through the visit. I tugged on his gourd, pulling him backwards up a hall.

"Gaara! Let's check it out!"

He tore from my grip, straightened his gourd, and looked right at me.

"This place had better be worth it, Cougar."

I purred. "I could have brought the pink dress we got to keep~"

He blanched, before stalking past me. Oho, mister halfass stoic and silent today? Did that woman suck out Plunky's life force? I frolicked after him, taking the lead since I'd been here before. We went into the dining hall, and there was a baby grand piano on a stage in there. I sat down on the bench and twiddled away at the keys, and Gaara's flame red hair caught the attention of the patrons in the hall.

"Pluuuuuuuuuunkyyyy!"

"Oh dear GOD no."

Apparently Gaara had no tolerance for elderly people. Thinking quick, I whittled off the ivory with my fingertips, playing a melody he know. He backed up to the bench, setting his gourd at the foot of it. Moving quickly, I kicked it over, making the sand spill and 'splash' all about. He whirled about, about to give me a piece of his mind, I'm sure, before I started singing, egging him to perform.

"Cou-"

"Mr. Sandman! Bring me a dream! Make him the cutest that I've ever seen! Give him the word that I'm not a rover~" I brought up my hand like a paw and winked at him, and he growled when I tugged his sleeve before hitting the next chord. The old people seemed to be enjoying themselves, with a few cries of 'Plunky!' in the background. "Then tell him that his lonely nights are over~"

"Cougar...!" I drowned him out with a slinky voice.

"Mr. Sandman, I'm so alone~ Don't have nobody to call my own~" Going a capella for a moment, I reached and grabbed a fistfull of sand and flung it in the air like glitter. "Please turn on your magic beam, Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream!"

He stared at me. "Bring you a dream? How's this?" Fisting his hand, he called the sand up, it swirled around, then moved as a solid mass and collided with me, knocking me straight off the bench on onto the floor with a _thud_. The room filled with elderly snickers.

"...Oof."

After wandering around some more and entertaining the wannabe-zombi– I mean, old folk, _she_ appeared again. I SWEAR that woman used to be a ninja. After grabbing her sweet "Plunky", I followed her as she dragged Gaara off to a little bench in the... courtyard, I guess? It was pretty well shoveled, so I sat on a different bench and played with the snow for a bit, only catching bits and pieces of their conversation with my back turned to them.

"...and then it was like he was here again, oh my Plunky, you wouldn't believe...." I packed the snow into a nice snowball. "...but then it was all over in the spring of '82 when he finally told me that..." Yes, preparations for a miniature Gaara-snowman were on their way. "...By no means did that mean that I wasn't in love with him, oh no boy, I loved him with all my heart, of, and how beautiful his eyes..." Plucking a twig, I started shaping the snowball in my hand for Gaara's face. "...you had to put your own chips in the cookies back in my day, kids these days have it so easy!..."

The rambling went on for about ten minutes more before I heard a sickening crunch and a very wet sound. I turned around, horrified, to see that Gaara had laid waste to the was sand still mixed in with her wounds, and she said nothing more. Deeeaaaad. "Shit, let's get out of here." Using his ninja powers, Gaara got us out of that place in a flash and back to the bike. I should have known, I should have known. "Well, Gaara, what do you have to say for yourself _this_ time?" He reproahed with a hateful look.

"Plunky was her dog."


	18. Robes

***Falls from the sky* Ah, yes, hello there. Anyone ever been up to Maine? Nice place. No internet though, well, not where I was at...yeah. Sorry. **

I don't know about you, but staring at the ceiling for long periods of time can be a real downer. Mostly because there's nothing else to look at.

"Hey, are you done yet? How long does it take for someone to try on a pair of robes?"

No reply.

"Dude, they either fit or they don't. If they don't, go look for another. But if they do, lets get going- my show's starting soon."

No reply.

I made a big show of checking the watch I didn't have when I heard the dressing room doors click open.

"Took you lon-Wow! Look at you! Pretty snazzy outfit you got there!"

"…Thank you?"

" Ha, you've got the matching hat and everything! Do a twirl."

"A what?"

"A twirl. I want to see the whole thing."

"I'm not 'twirling'."

"Fine." So instead I circled him, taking in the shiny robes, the shiny hat and all the other shiny accessories. I approve of shiny.

"…Well?"

"I give it two thumbs up."

"You give everything two thumbs up."  
"I do not."

"Then what do you rate your…taste in fashion?"  
"Two thumbs up."

"Exactly."  
"Well, it's not my fault I only have two opposable digits. Hey, I know! Give me a kunai."

"Music, I'm not gonna let you cut off your own thumb."

"Not my _whole _thumb, only half!"

"I'm not letting you cut off half of anything so you can give your fashion sense one-and-a-half thumbs up!"

"…Who said I was gonna give _my _fashion sense one-and-a-half thumbs up? Those robes look a little scratchy."

"They're not."

"In any case, I…wait. What were we talking about?"

"I honestly don't know."


End file.
